I was going to share a snippet with you tonight but I decided to cheat and wait till tomorrow. Because I have been wanting to do this post since January, but I've never really had the time. Until now. And I have to do it now otherwise I might freak out and not post it because it feels chick-flicky and emotional and I don't usually write this kind of thing.
*Breath* Here it goes.
I've never really had friends. Ever. I mean, sure, there were the kids who used to come over when I was little, but the were more playmates than anything. The type of playmates who hung about for a year, maybe two, than grew up and disappeared. The only friend from my childhood that I actually kept is my best friend, Sammi, who has lived up the street from me since before kindergarten, and whom we have kind of made part of the family, along with her brother and her mom. Besides her, I didn't really have anyone. That's how everyone in my family is. Of course, there are 'Friends of the Family,' and most of my older sisters have that one best friend whom I've always known, but they all live a good few hours away and we don't get to see much of them. And because they are my older sisters friends they are more like.... more older sisters. If you understand me. Until a few years ago Sammi was all I had.
Having no friends never really bothered me. It never occurred to me to be bothered. For me it was normal. I didn't expect friends cause I never thought I needed any. Having a big family helped with that, because there were always people around anyway. So I never felt lonely. (Actually sometimes I felt the opposite.) I never had 'Birthday Parties' in the normal sense, just a couple presents, cake and a movie with the family and Sammi. I never had picnics or anything like that with other kids. Sometimes the neighborhood children would come over and play baseball, but they weren't 'friends' like that. Just kids we knew. Kids who would flit in and out with no names and no lasting time. Even when I was going to Music lessons I never had FRIENDS like that. Sure, people liked me enough and there was even this one girl that I shared a few visits with. But I always felt a little out-of-the-loop. Like I didn't belong. I was always a bit different. First off, I loved to read. I spent a good amount of my time curled up in a ball with a book. Even then, I was crying, laughing, and loving anything to do with the world of fantasy. I easily fell for fictional characters and tried to be like them all the time. As for movies and TV shows.... my family was always a bit geeky, what with my dad watching Star Trek and things like that. So I was brought up rather geeky. (Though it wasn't until later that I became full-fledged obsessive) I tried to make friends a couple times but I suppose everything about me was just too weird. I was Catholic, I was homeschooled, I had a very large family, I wore dresses and I could quote books from beginning to end. I was used to people looking at my funny, thinking I wasn't quite right. I didn't mind it. I was never embarrassed or ashamed of myself or my family, or how I dressed. I figured if the person didn't want to like me it was their loss.
Then a couple years ago I hit a really, really, rough patch in my life. There was a lot of stuff going on at home and for three years of my life nothing felt safe. For a while things got so bad that I kind of shut down and shut the world out. I locked myself up in my room. I buried myself into the world of fiction because, for some reason, fictional trauma was so much easier than real-life trauma. It was during these years that my sisters and I became the wild, obsessive geeks that we are now. We dove into fandoms headlong, devouring Doctor Who, Sherlock and Merlin like chips. They were our escape and our relief. That's actually why, besides Lord of the Rings, Merlin is my favorite fandom. It introduced me to the rest. I don't actually know if we'd seen any of the Avengers before Merlin. I wasn't allowed to watch Iron Man until just recently (For reasons difficult to explain) and I don't know if I'd scene Captain America yet. But either way, I watched Merlin before I watched almost anything else. It was the first time I found myself so connected, so a part of another world. It brought me a lot of comforts during that time and it holds a lot of precious memories for me. Then FINALLY I started a blog. Most of my older sisters already had one by then, so it didn't seem too terrifying to get one myself. That's when I realized the Internet wasn't full of a bunch of axe murders just waiting to hunt me down and kill me. There were actually a lot of nice people on the Internet. And that really helped me. It helped to fangirl with people as enthusiastic as I was. It was fun to hide away with fictional characters and not face the world. And I wanted to hide. Because I was having a very hard time coping with the situation in my life. I had a lot of self-doubt, anger, frustration and stress. I didn't like anything I did and I didn't think I was good at anything I did. I stopped writing. I stopped singing. I almost stopped acting. If I hadn't loved the stage so much I probably would have stopped. I gave up on friends entirely because, if people had thought I was weird before, Geeky-Me was more than they could handle. Sammi was the only one who wasn't scared away by my insanity, but by then she'd made it clear we were stuck with her and had become more of an adopted sister. So she didn't really count. But after I started blogging all that changed.
First off, there was this really sweet, special girl whose blog I actually followed before getting my own. I remember liking her immediately because she was geeky and nerdy and normal, just like me. She watched all the shows I watched and loved them as much as I did. And she didn't get freaked out when I wrote long comments or randomly quoted or made references. She just quoted back because she was just as geeky as I was. She never got tired of me or acted like I was different. She was like me and I was like her and eventually we started emailing. And after my emails didn't scare her away I thought, just maybe, someone besides my family might actually like me. She is the one who prompted me to start a blog. She is the reason I finally pulled out a pen and started writing again. She is the reason I didn't give up acting, and she is the reason I didn't completely shut down. I owe so much to her. Especially because she was having a bad time too. I think that is some of the reason we got so close. Because we both were having very hard times and suddenly we found each other and just --- BAM!
So I started my blog. And I met a lot of lovely people who liked everything I did, and who understood about TARDIS's and Young Warlocks and dragons and "BORED!" and "FIGHT THE FAIRIES!!!" It was such a shock to find out there were people like me. People who understood. People who laughed and joked and actually took the time to READ my blog in those beginning weeks. (Thank you, you brave little soldiers! I couldn't have done it without you!) After that nothing was the same. I'd discovered a new world, in a way. And it helped me in more ways than I can put down.
I made a resolution back in January to try to move on from those horrible years. To make myself see the world NOW and not THEN. And I've been trying really hard to do just that. But May.... May is a delicate month for me. I have some.... hard memories from the month of May. And because of that its not my favorite time of the year. Actually, I used to hate May. Which was sad, because I love Spring and I always have, and I didn't like hating May. But for some reason I couldn't help it. It wasn't so much that I hated the month. I hated the things that had happened in the month. The things is, I don't want to hate anymore. Because this is the first year in a VERY LONG TIME that I have actually felt happy. Its the first time in a very long time that I've actually felt like myself again. Things are finally better. Maybe not excellent, but better. And sometimes I still struggle, but its nothing like it was. And when my very dear friend said she'd do Camp NaNo with me this month, I realized it was the best thing, really. I wanted to leave behind the all the awfulness. And it seems like filling up a month that has so much BAD attached to it with GOOD, was the perfect way to start.
That sounded totally cheesy, but whatever.
I guess I just really want to say thank you. Thank you to all you amazing bloggers who welcomed me like family and who followed and commented and made my day by dropping by. I want to thank my sisters who listened to me yell or vent, or were just there for me when I need them. I want to thank Sammi, who stuck with me through all of it, even on the worst days, and who somehow made me smile when all I wanted to do was cry. And most of all I want to thank that one special girl who told me: "YOU CAN DO IT!" and hasn't stopped saying that since. I want that girl to know she is my best friend. I want her to know I love her like she is my sister, and I wish she was. I want her to know she is the Merlin to my Arthur, the Sam to my Dean, the Clara to my Eleven, the Bucky to my Steve and, above all, the Jim to my Ben. I want her to know she has helped me more than she could ever, possibly know. I want her to know that I love every one of her quirks and it is because of them that she is so cool. And I want her to know how much she means to me and that I'm with her till the end of the line.
Thank you. Its been a wonderful year on blogger,
and I hope there are many more.
Here you go. A song reflecting all the greatest friendships.
It makes me feel so happy inside *grin*
Now I have to go back to editing and crying over Tyson. And Peregrine. I will try to share a snippet tomorrow, I promise! I the meantime, here. Have a Bucky and Steve video. I made it. And I think I do quite a good job, if I do say so myself. If its really quiet for you, try using headphones - otherwise it should be okay :)
God bless and have a lovely night! *Slides off Car*
~Ben The Robot~